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Groundforce Copy Garden
(Original song: English Country Garden, a traditional song by Sir Edward Elgar)
Somehow nothing ever seems to grow
In my Ground Force copy garden
I've had a go and now I think I know
Why I’ve got a barren wasteland
Nettles in the flowerbed, pigeon droppings on the shed
Cling to the wood and harden
And fifty million weeds from Triffid spreading seeds
In my Ground Force copy garden
I had a look in my Alan Titchmarsh book
Showing every garden creature
But I’ve got a few so horrible to view
That the great man dare not feature
ASBO Chav-like gangs of bugs, hoody skinhead bees and slugs
Even a ferrule Starling
Send a NATO squad today to keep the pests away
In my Ground Force copy garden
I did my back in when I laid some wooden deckin’
And a half-baked water feature
My garden wall isn’t level not at all
Like the Leaning Tower of Pisa
The shingle’s full of squirrel pee, I’ve got to chill like Ali Gee
Or else my arteries will harden
So I’ll smoke all I need from the weed I grow from seed
In my Ground Force copy garden
Plainly I see I will always be
A no good gardening pillock
So now I’ve decided what I have to do
And to hell with Charlie Dimmock
I need to use an instant fix with best cement and sharp sand mix
Then spread it and let it harden
And I’ll recreate a backyard sink estate
Not a Ground Force copy garden
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